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NASCAR
A stock car racing association favored by fat, bald, pot-bellied rednecks who married their own sisters. What The Hell is With All Those Bricks? Early History NASCAR started in the late 1940s when moonshine runners started seeing how fast they could drive in a circle 250 times on a beach in Florida. These men included Jesus, Lee Petty (father of Richard Petty), Junior Johnson (notorious for having the second-funniest name in NASCAR ever, behind Dick Trickle), and Ralph Earnhardt (adoptive father of Dale Colbert). Their three-car races (Jesus usually promoted, rather than raced) on Daytona Beach attracted hundreds of drunken Southerners. Eventually, Jesus decided he didn't want to sanction the races anymore, and looked for a successor. However, since everybody was in awe of Jesus' skill at promoting cars driving in circles, nobody wanted to follow him. Finally, a man named Bill France (who, by virtue of his name, is a liberal), sacrificed himself. Jesus bestowed him with his promoting power, and in 1949 NASCAR ran its first "real" season. After over ten years of driving in circles on beaches (this includes the couple of years of racing before 1949), the lifeguards began to get mad. Seeing as most of the audience were drunken Southerners, the beaches were littered with beer cans. When President Dwight D. Eisenhower cut his foot on a can of Schlitz in June 1957, the lifeguards forced the suspension of the NASCAR season. Thankfully, Jesus was sympathetic to France and his group of drivers, which now included Ned Jarrett (known as one of the greatest gentleman Republicans ever) and David Pearson (Richard Petty's chief rival for much of his career). So Jesus created twenty billion dollars out of thin air (some of which NASCAR still uses to fund new tracks today) and built a 2.5-mile speedway in Daytona. Every season since 1958, the NASCAR season has started there with the Daytona 500. Jesus won the first Daytona 500 in 1958. Lee Petty won in 1959. Recent History In recent years, since the retirement of Dale Earnhardt, NASCAR has become a victim of drivers banging too many hot chicks like, motley crue did back in the day. sexy drivers include Michael Waltrip, Tony Stewart, Gay NASCAR Drivers Monthly), and most notably Earnhardt's first son, Jeff Gordon. Thankfully, real American heroes such as Richard Petty (driver of the #43 STP Dodge), Darell Waltrip (driver of the #11 Budwiser Chevrolet, and Mark Martin (driver of the #8 United States Army/500 magnum/AK-47 Chevy) have managed to beat them in most races. 2006 saw Jeff Gordon's totally sexy clone, Jeff Gordon 2.0, win the Daytona 500 and NASCAR Championship, edging Gordon, Martin, and petty in a close four-way fight to the finish. In 2007 so far, Kevin Harvick, best known as Earnhardt's successor, has won all of the important races, but Gordon leads the championship over martin, johnson, D.W., Earnhardt Jr., Harvick, and Martin, who is seventh in the points standings despite having missed half of the races. Why It Had To Start In Dixie! Basics The Cars Stock cars (as they are properly known) are kick ass versions of good old-fashioned American cars. They are covered in sponsors stickers and adverts, and feature motley crue-designed interiors. As such they help to both promote America's kick ass fashion's, kick ass automobile industry, and kick ass education of reckless driving. The only real difference is that a NASCAR can go ten times further than a regular car before becoming unusable (10,000 miles!). The Track Cars competing in NASCAR races drive on circular tracks. There are multiple reasons for this: * To honor the male tradition of getting lost and refusing to stop for directions. * To ensnare as many rednecks as possible and slowly squeeze every spare dollar out of them through beer and fast food. The Pit Crew Types of Cars Used & How They Differ From Other Motorsports Famous Teams * Joe Gibbs Racing -the greatest fucking team there is * Dennit Racing -homos that fired Ricky Bobby * Hendrick Motorsports -people that think that Jimmie Johnson and Jeff Gordon aren't gay and think that Dale Jr. is worth something *Everybody else pretty much blows Famous Drivers * Ricky Bobby is not a driver he is that fauckin weirdo will ferell * Dale Earnhardt Daddy * Dale Earnhardt Jr. overliked driver that only is popular cuza Daddy * Jean Girard is a sex predator that teaches golf * Jeff Gordon * Jesus gratest driver ever * Sterling Marlin * Cal Naughton Jr. satans driver * Richard Petty * Cole Trickle homo tom cruise that thinks scientology is a religion (well fauck you tom cruise.) * Michael Waltrip * Kyle Busch * Russ Wheeler not rell Famous Driving Families * Earnhardt (Dale, Dale Jr., Jeff Gordon, Earnhardt's friend not son, Ralph) * Jarrett (Dale, Ned) * Petty (Kyle, Lee, Richard) * Trickle (Cole, Dick) * Christ (Jesus, he is so awsome that he gets his own family) Famous Sponsors * AARP * Budweiser * Coors Light * DuPont * Ford * GM Goodwrench * NAPA Auto Parts * STP * Toyota (unfortunately) * United States Army * Viagra Controversies NASCAR is fast becoming wrestling on a race track. See also External Links * the Real McCoy * the American Way